


Heroic Spirits Aren't Suited For Food Service

by Arvanion



Series: The Chaldea Office Comedy [1]
Category: Fate/Grand Order, Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms
Genre: Chaldea Office Comedy, Cooking, Food, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-18
Updated: 2019-06-18
Packaged: 2020-05-13 21:41:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19259686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arvanion/pseuds/Arvanion
Summary: Tamamo Cat takes it upon herself to spice up Chaldea's menu.(Anonymous commission.)





	Heroic Spirits Aren't Suited For Food Service

**Author's Note:**

> My anonymous commissioner directed me to [this post](https://kamoi.tumblr.com/post/185307556654/kamoi-i-wish-i-had-the-creativity-to-write-or-the) about Tamamo Cat trying to run a cafe, so I did my best to deliver!

Gudako settled into her chair in the Chaldea cafeteria with a long sigh.

Mash, already seated across the table from her, looked up quizzically. “Is something wrong, Senpai?”

“Eh, you could say that. I don’t mean to complain, but…” The mage gestured to her tray. “Don’t you get bored of eating the same few meals over and over?”

Mash shrugged. “Doctor Roman says that these meals are designed to provide optimal nutrition to all personnel.”

“I mean, yeah, and that’s fine and everything, but I’m thinking more about how they taste.” She smirked. “Like, no offense to Roman, but from what Da Vinci tells me about his habits, he probably doesn’t taste his food at all.”

Mash nodded gravely. “All of the energy drinks have ruined him.”

“Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like the food is  _ bad _ , but I could go for some variety once in a while.” Gudako shrugged. “Though our location definitely doesn’t help when it comes to procuring supplies.”

“Did I hear that right? Is my Master in need?!” Gudako and Mash both twitched in their seats as a bright voice blared across the cafeteria, closely followed by the rapid thump of padded feet. “Fear not, Master! Tamamo Cat is here to help!” The Servant slid to a halt and cheerily saluted with one paw. “What is your wish?”

“Oh. Uh…” Gudako, slightly taken aback by Tamamo Cat’s enthusiasm, found herself at a loss for words.

Mash chimed in helpfully. “Senpai was just talking about how she wished there were more options for food here.”

Cat clapped her paws together decisively. “Of course! My Master deserves only the finest food and drink! I, Tamamo Cat, shall take it upon myself to right this wrong!”

“How exactly do you plan on doing that?” said Gudako. “We’re kind of in the middle of nowhere… there aren’t exactly that many places to get supplies from.”

Tamamo Cat’s lips curled into a mischievous smile. “Oh, don’t you worry about that, Master. I have a  _ purr _ -fect idea…”

 

“I very much appreciate you taking us out here, Miss Drake.”

The pirate queen leaned idly back in her seat, fiddling with one of her pistols. “Oh, it’s no problem at all. Sure beats sitting around doing nothing.” She jabbed a thumb at the boat’s other occupant. “Though I’ve gotta ask. Why’d this guy come, too?”

The Archer in red shrugged his shoulders, a helpless look on his face. “I was wondering the same thing.”

“Hey, you came here with me, didn’t you?”

“You didn’t give me much of a choice. And that doesn’t answer my question,” said Emiya.

“Isn’t it obvious? It’s because you’re a good cook!” said Tamamo Cat. “Also, because you’re an Archer, and you’ll be able to deal with the fish.”

Emiya just rolled his eyes in response. “Pretty sure you could deal with them yourself.”

“Cats hate getting wet,” said Cat in a lofty tone. “Come on, Red, that’s basic knowledge.”

“Guess I walked into that one,” said Emiya. He stood up and rolled his shoulders before testing his bowstring. “Though as long as we’re out here, I might as well play along. I’d hate for the whole Rayshift to be for nothing.”

Tamamo Cat beamed. “That’s the spirit!”

After an hour or so of Emiya’s “fishing,” the trio landed their boat at one of the many small islands dotting the surface of Okeanos. Cat’s eyes gleamed as she surveyed their haul, and a bit of drool dribbled from the corner of her mouth. “Oooooh, these look delicious... Master is sure to praise me for this!”

“Don’t you mean praise  _ us _ ?” Emiya grimaced. “Also, not to be a killjoy, but I’m pretty sure that our Master would prefer that her food be properly prepared. Not... whatever you’re doing.”

“Mmh?” Tamamo looked up from the pile, a fish dangling from her mouth by its tail.

“Never mind.”

“So, what comes next?” Drake grinned at the other two. “You’ll probably need more than just fish if you want to run a proper cafe.”

“But of course!” Cat nodded decisively. “It’s not enough to just have good sashimi--the Cafe Tamamo must have the finest of everything! Next, we’ll have to find some chickens, so we can get the ingredients for omurice… Oh! And some bread! And also something nice to drink!”

Emiya shook his head in exasperation, but he couldn’t hide a faint smile. “I guess it’s good that you’re enjoying yourself, at least.”

 

“Say, Doctor, you wouldn’t happen to know where Tamamo Cat is, would you?”

Romani raked a hand through his hair and let out a long-suffering sigh. “At the moment? No idea. She’s been busy, though. Took a trip through Okeanos, came back with  _ way  _ too many fish. Then she went gallivanting off to Orleans--she said it was to learn about bread, but she ended up with at least six bottles of wine, and she’d probably drank a whole one already.”

“Uh-huh.” Gudako raised her eyebrows. “And then what?”

“Then she, Drake, and Emiya hunted down Martha, because  _ that saint lady knows how to do chores, right? _ And they dragged her into the cafeteria and locked themselves in.”

“I guess that’s what she meant when she said she had a good idea of where to get supplies.” Gudako scratched at her cheek with one finger. “Still, I wonder what they’re up to in there…”

 

Emiya, his cheeks as red as his coat, covered his eyes with one hand and groaned. “For the love of all that is holy, Cat, please put some clothes on.”

“You told me I should wear an apron--”

“Not  _ only  _ an apron!”

“Hey, are you--”

Tamamo Cat adjusted the hem of the apron and reached behind her to fluff her tails. “Why not? I think it adds to the cafe’s special charm!”

Drake laughed raucously. “Well, she’s got ya there!”

“I blame you for this,” said Emiya, shooting her a sour look. “If you hadn’t insisted on getting all that wine…”

“Hey, is anyone listening?”

“What, like I was gonna go to France and  _ not  _ sample its famous wine? Hell, kid, I’m a pirate: partying hard is kind of our thing.”

“Yes, but--”

“HEY!”

Martha’s shout was punctuated by her hand slamming on the countertop, sending a small plume of flour into the air. The other three jumped, giving the saint an apprehensive look.

“Don’t ignore me when I’m trying to--” Martha caught herself and cleared her throat, her irritable glare giving way to beatific patience. “That is, kindly pay attention to my instruction, if you would.”

“Right, right!” Tamamo Cat waved her paws and scurried over to Martha’s other side. “You were showing me how to make bread. Is that the dough?”

“It is,” said Martha. She smiled. “I find it quite refreshing to take out my frustrations on… ahem, that is, to contemplate the day’s events while kneading.”

“That sounds like a marvelous idea to me!” said Tamamo Cat. She bared her teeth ferociously. “Let me at it!”

Emiya rubbed at his forehead. “I would advise against that, unless you plan on serving our Master a loaf full of fur.”

Cat looked down at her fuzzy paws and frowned. “I hadn’t thought of that.”

“Just… just go over to the stove,” said Emiya, pointing past her and shaking his head.

“Fine, fine, whatever you say, Red.”

As Tamamo Cat began to comply, the archer hastily amended his orders. “Backwards! Walk backwards!”

 

Gudako was lying back in bed and playing a game on her tablet when a light rap at the door caught her attention. “It’s unlocked,” she called.

The door slid open, revealing Emiya on the other side. His red coat looked rather rumpled and his hair was in disarray, but he gave her a bright smile. “Hey, Master.”

“Hey.” Gudako grinned back. “Appreciate you chaperoning Cat. How’d the cooking training go?”

“Between me and Martha, I think we’ve managed to ensure that what she serves will be edible, at least.” He rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. “And thankfully we convinced her to wear something other than the apron…”

The mage made a face of exaggerated disappointment. “Awww, that’s no fun.”

“I can’t tell if you’re serious or teasing me, Master.”

“A bit of both.” Gudako got to her feet, smoothing down her uniform. “Well then, I suppose I’d better go harvest the fruits of your labor, huh?”

“I suppose so.”

 

The delicious smell of cooking chicken and rice filled the air as Gudako made her way into the cafeteria. Tamamo Cat, dressed in a full maid outfit, bounded up to her the moment she walked through the door.

“ _ Irrashaimase! _ ” she caroled. “Welcome to the Cafe Tamamo, Chaldea’s most popular place to eat!”

“It’s the cafeteria,” said Emiya. “It’s Chaldea’s only place to eat--ow!” He rubbed at his shoulder as Cat gave him a sideways smack.

“So, what’s on the menu?” said Gudako, settling into the chair that Tamamo Cat had pulled out for her.

“Today’s special is Tamamo’s ultra-special omurice, made with love!”

“It’s pretty great,” called Drake from across the room. “Definitely more appetizing than hardtack... though to be fair, that’s a low bar.”

Gudako laughed. “It sounds delicious. I’ll take that.”

“An excellent choice, Master. I’ll have it right out in just a moment.” Cat turned and flounced back into the kitchen.

“Yes, a very good choice,” said Emiya, leaning down so that only Gudako could hear him. “It’s the only dish we tried that was fit for human consumption.”

“Oh, dear. Do I want to know about the others?”

The Servant shook his head emphatically. “I didn’t realize there were so many ways to fail in preparing a fish, and yet…”

Gudako crooked a finger, motioning for him to come closer, and whispered in his ear. “ _ Unlimited Fish Works _ .”

Emiya slapped his forehead and groaned.

Gudako was saved from any further retribution by the return of Tamamo Cat, carrying a fluffy omelette on a plate. “Just one final touch, and it’ll be ready!” she said, pulling a ketchup bottle out of seemingly nowhere with a flourish. “I’ll cast a magic spell.  _ Moe, moe, kyun, kyun, become delicious~ _ ”

“Are you sure about this?” Gudako muttered out of the side of her mouth.

“Don’t fret, Master. This Tamamo doesn’t seem to have much magical aptitude, so there won’t be any  _ actual  _ spell cast. Probably.”

“How reassuring.”

“Aaaaaaand done!” Tamamo Cat set the plate in front of Gudako. The word “LOVE” was scrawled out in ketchup, in fanciful but messy handwriting. “Perfect if I do say so myself. Now then, Master… dig in!”

Gudako inhaled deeply, taking in the smell of the plate.  _ This smells… incredible. I guess the lessons were a success. _

She picked up her chopsticks from the side of her plate and clapped her hands together.

“Don’t mind if I do.  _ Itadakimasu! _ ”


End file.
